


falsettoland

by confusednp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 1980s, F/F, F/M, Falsettos References, Jewish Identity, M/M, Multi, Musical References, New York City, based on falsettos
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-10-31 09:05:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17846477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/confusednp/pseuds/confusednp
Summary: New York City—1979. All Phil Lester wants is a tight-knit family, even as he struggles to connect his ex-wife and child with his lover, Dan. Their lives become tangled together when the lesbians from next door give a grave warning: something bad is happening. As life becomes darker than anyone could’ve imagined, the eccentric family finds way to keep believing that everything will be all right.





	1. a tight-knit family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Phil wants is a tight-knit family.

Not for the first time, Phil questions why he’s chosen this specific shrink. Certainly there are people in New York who are more qualified, and less… eccentric than the man sitting across from him. Everything, from his sweater vest, to his over the top gesticulation is strange. But, he’s cheap enough and close to Phil’s apartment to make it worth it. 

“Let’s discuss your wife—your ex-wife.”

Phil drags a hand over his face. “What is there to say? We were married and now we aren’t. Happens all the time.”

His shrink gives a little shrug and says, “Then why are you here? If we’re going to get anywhere in these sessions you need to open up.”

“Sophie is a great woman. Maybe too great for me, I don’t know. We got married young, and had a kid before I even knew what was happening.” Phil watches the man across from him scribbling into his notepad. “Not that I resent Jason—that’s my son—I love him to death. But dealing with a kid, and a wife, and—”

“And your lover on the side,” the shrink cuts in.

“I prefer the term friend, actually.”

“My mistake. Was your friend a big factor in your divorce?”

Phil nods. “I guess, I don’t know, he just swept me up and carried me away. Never met anyone like him.”

His shrink (Phil has to find out his name) chews on the end of a blue pen from his desk. The man seems to never stop moving or fidgeting with something, twenty-four seven. “Let’s talk about your friend for a little while. Can you describe him to me?”

Phil sighs. How the hell does he describe his whirlwind of a lover? “Uh, his name is Dan. We share an apartment on Fifty-fourth, down the street from the Duane Reade.”

“And?”

When Phil only answers with a blank stare, the therapist leans back in his office chair and spins around once. Again, Phil wonders how this man is a licensed professional.

“Do you love him?” asks the shrink, scribbling something on his legal pad.

“Sorta, kinda.”

Another note on the legal pad. “Do you need him?”

“Sorta… kinda. He makes me smile a lot. Makes me feel like I’m smart.”

“Mister Lester, do you enjoy feeling smart?”

Phil gives an awkward laugh. “Who doesn’t?”

His therapist’s eyes open a little wider, if possible. “Your wife— ex-wife, did she make you feel like that?”

“Not usually,” Phil admits. “We’d talk about work, or parenting, or Jason’s damn bar mitzvah and I’d come out feeling useless.”

“Good, good. Well, not the feeling useless, that’s not good, but we’re getting somewhere. I’d like to hear more about this Dan, though.”

“He’s wonderful.”

“Romantic?”

“Yes.” Phil pauses. “And spiteful.”

Dan is a hurricane of a person, so predisposed to grab anything in his path and carry it along with him. He’d dragged Phil out of a loveless marriage and up into the swirling clouds, where he’s as likely to be hit by debris as float along peacefully.

The shrink steeples his fingers thoughtfully. “And how does your ex-wife feel about him?”

“Not pleased, I guess.”

“It’s a tough position you’ve put her in. Is she expected to just adopt Dan into the family?”

“Well no, but she could censor herself. Who knows what she’s saying to Jason when I’m not around?”

“Aha.” The man’s eyebrows quirk up. “Jason. Would you say that you want your son to look up to you?”

“I suppose.”

His therapist takes another spin in his chair. “Are you ashamed that you love another man? Do you find yourself projecting that onto your son?”

Phil feels himself growing irritable. “I’m obviously not sure, which is why I have a shrink now.”

The man smiles benignly. “If you please, I prefer the term ‘psychiatrist’.”

“Fine. I have a psychiatrist because I divorced my wife, left my only child, and ran off with a friend.”

“And you have questions,” the psychiatrist says gently. 

“So many.”

“We can start with your wife— ex-wife. How do you feel about her right now?”

Unbelievable. “Sophie,” Phil says in as controlled of a tone as he can manage, “is being ridiculous. She keeps Jason all week, and I see him on the weekends, and she still wants to keep him away from me. As if being anywhere near Dan and I together is going to corrupt him or something.”

His psychiatrist nods. “Did you ever think that maybe she’s scared? That losing her husband and son at once is too much of a worry for her?”

“I don’t want to take Jason from her, I just want to see my kid in my own home. Is that too much? Am I being irrational?”

The man’s watch beeps shrilly from his wrist. “Well, we seem to be out of time for this session.”

Phil rolls his eyes and stands up, grabbing his coat. As he turns to walk out of the office, the therapist grabs his wrist. “As for your wife, Mister Lester, I’d like to start seeing her too.”

Phil gives a short laugh. “She’ll never agree.”

“Give her my card, at least. I think I’ll understand the situation better after speaking to both of you.”

He gives in and slips the card into his jacket pocket. “Fine. I’ll talk to her.”

“Excellent,” the man says smoothing his sweater vest. “I look forward to our next appointment.”

Phil pulls out the business card as he leaves. It’s on bright pink cardstock, fitting for such an eccentric man.

_Dr. PJ Ligouri, PhD_  
Offering the finest psychiatric services since 1967  
I do not work on the Jewish holidays __

__Sighing, Phil walks up to a payphone and pushes two dimes in, then dials._ _

__“Sophie? You know how we used to talk about crazy Jewish therapists?”_ _

___________ _

__“Phil!”_ _

__He sinks down into the couch a little further at the ringing call of his name, wondering what he’s done this time. “Yeah?”_ _

__Dan marches into the room holding the bottle-green blazer Phil had been wearing at his appointment. “I thought we talked about hanging our clothes when we’re done with them.”_ _

__“You’re not my mother, Dan, so don’t treat me like a child. I’ll hang up the coat.” He heaves himself up and brushes past Dan, pulling the blazer out of his hands, but feels a tug on the back of his shirt collar._ _

__He turns back around to see Dan’s horrified expression. “What is this, wash and wear?” He somehow manages to fit disgust, pity, and fear into those three words all at once._ _

__Two can play at that game. Phil pulls Dan closer by the belt loops of his pants until they’re hip to hip. “And what’re these? From the women’s section of Saks?”_ _

__Dan gives a breathy laugh in his ear. “Guilty as charged.”_ _

__“Maybe that’s a little outside our budget right now.”_ _

__Dan spins out of Phil’s arms and says, “Maybe a little out of your budget. Sorry you don’t share my devotion to style.”_ _

__“And maybe you don’t share my devotion to being able to pay rent.” Phil takes him by the hand and leads him to the couch. “Which I should’ve learned sometime in the last nine months.”_ _

__Dan flips back his hair from where it falls in his eyes. “Ten months.”_ _

__“Nine months.”_ _

__“We’ve been together for ten months!”_ _

__And off they start again in their favorite little passion: arguing. But it’s all Phil can ask for from Dan, passion. Not softness, not pity, but fire and fight he has aplenty. And god, he’s beautiful. Phil can’t begin to understand his messy, wonderful mind, but he knows how to appreciate aesthetics as well as anyone. The way Dan looks, coupled with his sarcastic, sharp personality and headstrong attitude, make him like a self-contained storm._ _

__So they argue. So they fight, and snap at each other. So what if Phil feels like he doesn’t know the person he holds every night. What’s important is that they’re happy. Dan is everything he wanted, healthy, and successful, and interesting, even half Jewish, which would please his parents, if they weren’t so hung up on the “gay” bit._ _

__Even so, as they climb into bed, he can’t help but wonder when this all became routine. When did little spats stop leading to more passion in their love, and just become another part of their lives?  
As Phil looks over at Dan’s sleeping face, so smooth, so serene, so heartbreakingly beautiful in the pale blue moonlight, he asks himself where the spark went._ _

__He loves when Dan is fiery, and he loves when he’s quiet. He doesn’t so much love when the fire gives way to anger, and the quiet to straight up ignoring him though. Aren’t people supposed to love everything about their partners?_ _

__The honeymoon period has to end eventually, Phil knows that. But it hurts him, somewhere deep down in his chest, to think that maybe the thrill of first love is gone for good. He wants the passion, he wants the flair, and the fights, and the reunions._ _

__He wants loving Dan to feel as effortless as it used to._ _

___________ _


	2. love is blind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everybody could use a psychiatrist now and then.

“Sit down, my dear.”

Sophie spins around in surprise at the voice from behind her. She’s assuming it belongs to the man who’s currently amusing himself by raising and lowering the height of his chair. “You must be Doctor Liguori.”

He pulls out a little bottle of Purell and coats his hands, filling the room with the sharp scent, before extending one hand to shake hers. “Guilty as charged, but please, call me PJ.” He points to the chair across from him. “Now, take a load off your feet.” 

Thoroughly bemused, Sophie perches on the end of a leather office chair. What the hell was Phil thinking when he recommended this guy to her?

“Happy or sad?” PJ asks, settling down in his seat. 

“Oh, well—” 

The psychiatrist cuts her off. “That’s a question with no answer.”

“Oh.” Sophie bites her lip, doubting her decision to come here even more. The strange man sitting across from her couldn’t possibly be a therapist, not with his tics and… eccentricities. 

She didn’t even know why she’d agreed to come here in the first place. Phil was the one with the unfinished business and the morality crisis, not her. Phil was the desperate one who had nowhere else to turn. No hippie therapist could bring her ex-husband back, so what was the point of seeing him?

To stop feeling alone, maybe. To get some closure on the miserable chapter of her life with Phil she’s finishing up. Or, maybe, to figure out what to do about Jason. Every day he reminds her more of Phil. She turns her attention back to the therapist. Perhaps Phil wasn’t the only desperate one these days.

PJ flips to a fresh sheet in his legal pad and nods to her. “Talk to me about your fears.”

She bites her lip. “Spiders. Heights. Feeling helpless. God. Jason.”

“Jason? What about him scares you?”

_That he’s a mirror of Phil, _Sophie wants to say. _That he’s quiet and brilliant, but he’s also sharp and sarcastic. That he likes being alone more than any eleven year old should. _____

____Instead, she says, “That I don’t know him anymore.”_ _ _ _

____And just like that, once she’s started, Sophie can’t stop talking. The words rush out like they’ve been dammed up, too quickly for her to even understand what she’s saying. “He doesn’t like anything, or anyone. I mean, Jesus Christ, have you ever met a child who doesn’t like to talk on the phone? He never invites his friends over, and it seems like—”_ _ _ _

____“Like what?” PJ asks gently._ _ _ _

____“Oh god, you’re going to think I’m a terrible mother. It seems like he wants the other kids to tease him.”_ _ _ _

____“And how does that make you feel.”_ _ _ _

____“Mad, confused, I don’t know. What kind of kid likes sitting up in his room playing chess alone all day?”_ _ _ _

____The psychiatrist turns sideways in his rolling chair, his feet hanging over one arm of it. “An interesting one, I think.”_ _ _ _

____Perplexed, Sophie stares him. “That’s interesting to you?”_ _ _ _

____“Sophie, I’m going to tell you something, and I want you to try to really take it to heart. If anyone ever accuses you of being weird, you look them square in the eye and say ‘thank you’.”_ _ _ _

____“But Jason—”_ _ _ _

____“Jason’s eleven. He’ll figure out who he is with enough time.”_ _ _ _

____“I know, but I worry about him. I want him to have friends, but he won’t tell me about them. He won’t even say anything about Phil leaving us, and who knows what that’s doing to his psyche?”_ _ _ _

____From the beginning of her marriage to Phil, it had been all about Jason. They’d gotten married while she was pregnant, and spent a few exhausting years facing the challenges of raising a kid together. Years she’d thought were blissful, but apparently ones that Phil had spent trapped with a wife he didn’t even want. Now she has to make their divorce about Jason too. All she’s ever wanted is to protect him, and keep him safe from just how terrible the world around him can be, but she’s failing at that more and more as the days go by. To her shock and embarrassment, tears burn behind her eyes_ _ _ _

____“Sophie,” PJ leans across the table and, to her surprise, clasps her shaking hands in his. “Repeat after me.”_ _ _ _

____Sophie tries to pull away. “Really, I don’t think this is necessary.”_ _ _ _

____PJ holds steady. “Repeat. I’m not a bad mother.”_ _ _ _

____“I’m not a bad mother.”_ _ _ _

____“My divorce was not my fault.”_ _ _ _

____It’s so distracting, the way he’s staring into her eyes. “My divorce was not my fault.” His eyes are so blue._ _ _ _

____Blue eyes are her weakness. Phil’s had pulled her in when they first started dating and dragged her into the mess she’s dealing with now. _Be rational, _she tells herself. _You don’t know what you’re doing. _It’s true, that she’s so terribly confused about what she’s feeling about the psychiatrist. But god, if she won’t willingly walk to her downfall while a pair of blue eyes lead her there._____ _ _ _

________They’re still for a while. Sophie is drowning in blue, blue, blue. She wants to break the eye contact, but something inside her tells her to stay._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Well,” PJ says unexpectedly, pulling away. “Session’s almost over.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh,” Sophie says, flustered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Same time next week?” There’s a note of hope in PJ’s voice._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Sure.” Sophie is absolutely certain at this point that it’s a terrible idea to come back. So soon out of a divorce, and feeling that flutter in her stomach again? _Bad idea, _her brain scolds.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Great,” says PJ, straightening up some papers on his desk._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Great,” she answers bashfully. “Oh, and PJ?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Yes?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“How do you feel about starting to see Jason? He’d have to agree, but I think, well, I think it’d be good for him. Without a father in the picture, maybe he needs somebody else to talk to.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________PJ grins. “I’d be delighted.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Good.” Sophie flushes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Good.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________They hold eye contact until she’s out the door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Jason, I’m home.” Sophie knocks lightly on his door before walking into his room. He’s sitting cross-legged on his bed. “What are you doing, sweetie?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Playing chess.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She watches him move a white pawn, then spin the board around to capture it with a black knight. Every move is perfect. Another spin of the board. A black rook captured this time. Looking into Jason’s face, she’s struck dumb. How can she possibly tell him that she wants to get him therapy? How can she even insinuate that her son, the thing she loves most in the world, is anything short of perfect?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She kneels next to him, and runs a gentle hand through his hair. “I think you like playing chess alone.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He looks up at her. “I do.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I just—I don’t think that’s very normal.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Then what’s normal?” He looks betrayed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She falters. “I wouldn’t know.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jason turns back to his chess._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I could take you to the Jewish center?” Sophie offers._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He mimes throwing up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Or you could talk on the phone with someone, a friend maybe?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“No, thank you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He’s just like Phil. So polite as he sets about breaking her heart._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Sophie picks up the chessboard and sets it on his nightstand. “I want to talk to you about something. Life is stressful for all of us, honey, what with this… situation with your father.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jason’s shoulders fall a little. “I thought we were following the unspoken rule of _not _talking about Dad?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She can’t even begin to imagine how hard things are for Jason right now. His father left just short of six months ago to live with the man he’d been having an affair with, a man Jason barely knows. It’s natural that he wants to avoid the subject of his dad._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“We have to talk about him, just this once, because it’s going to make both of us feel a lot better. We all need a little extra help right now.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jason shakes his head, making his dark curls fall into his face. “Not me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Sophie sighs. “Jason, please see a psychiatrist. He’s quite a guy, and I really think you’d like him. Nobody’s saying you’re sick or neurotic, but this could be good for you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He looks up with pleading eyes. “But I don’t want a psychiatrist.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Dr. Liguori is so excited to see you though! And he’s very smart.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“If intelligence was the only criteria then I really wouldn’t need a psychiatrist, would I?” Jason’s nose wrinkles up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He has a point. Is a therapist any use for a kid smarter than most adults?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“No—”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“So I won’t go.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Sophie takes his hand and walks him into the hallway. “We’ll call your father, then, and he’ll explain this to you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________The silence between them is heavy as she dials the number for Dan and Phil’s apartment. She prays silently that she isn’t breaking her last connection with her son by involving Phil._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Phil picks up after the third ring. “Hello?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Phil. It’s Sophie. Jason and I were just talking about what a good idea it is for him to see Dr. Liguori for a little while. Don’t you think that’s a good idea?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Phil scoffs. “No. He’s eleven, Soph.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She turns to check that Jason didn’t hear, and is relieved to find that he’s gone back into his room, probably in search of his chessboard. Maybe, just maybe, if both of his parents agree, he’ll go to the therapy session._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Go along with it,” she hisses into the receiver, then pokes her head into Jason’s room. “Okay Jason, I’m going to let you speak to your dad for a while.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jason takes the phone. Sophie watches eagerly as he nods and says, “Okay. Uh-huh,” while Phil talks. She hopes that he’s getting through to the kid somehow. Phil has his flaws, but he’s always been a good talker, and he really does love Jason, and if he wants what’s best for him, he’ll convince him to go see PJ._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Then— “No.” Her heart plummets._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She groans. “Jason, sweetie, what do you want?” At this point she’ll do anything to get him to see this psychiatrist. She’s made a promise to herself, that her son won’t have to suffer through this alone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He thinks for a moment. “I want to talk to Dan.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She feels faint. “To Dan?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“To Dan?” Sophie can hear that all the way from the receiver._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jason nods. “To Dan.” He drops the phone and lets it hang by its cord. “Dad’s getting him right now.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________There’s a moment of tense silence. Sophie drags a hand across her face. “Jesus.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Mom,” Jason says, scandalized. “You can’t say that. We’re Jewish.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________At that moment, a crackle comes from the phone, and he lifts it to his ear. Sophie holds her breath and watches as Jason’s face starts to change while he listens. It goes from bored, to intrigued, to joyful, to thoughtful in the space of a minute._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________What is Dan saying? What could this magical man who her husband is so in love with possibly to do persuade Jason to see a therapist?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Okay. I’ll go. Bye Dan, and thanks.” He hangs up the phone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Sweetie,” Sophie says, grabbing his shoulders. “What did he say to you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“That you only want me to go to therapy because you love me,” says Jason. “And that he’d bring Winona Ryder to my bar mitzvah if I went.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Sophie gives a tiny smile. “Sweetheart, I promise, I’m really only asking because I love you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I know.” Jason hugs her around the waist suddenly, and says, “I love you too, Mom,” his words muffled by her dress._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Miracle of miracles, Dan has done it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Sophie laughs disbelievingly. “So you’ll go?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jason twists his mouth. “If the psychiatrist comes here.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Here?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“That’s my only rule.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________If it’ll finally do some good for Jason, she’d invite a hundred therapists to their home._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She picks up the phone again to dial. “PJ?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He picks up right away. “Yes, this is Dr. PJ Liguori.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“It’s Sophie. Do you, by any chance, do house calls?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading chapter two!! i hope you enjoyed the look into sophie and jason’s life, but rest assured: next chapter will spend some time with dnp. thanks reading and check me out on tumblr @amazingphilly

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i’m so excited to have started this new fic based off of the musical falsettos. if you have time, give it a listen, or hmu on tumblr @amazingphilly and i can send a full video of the show. 
> 
> i need to give a warning though, that the show, and this fic, will deal with the hiv/aids epidemic. it’s a time period i’ve done a lot of research on, and i hope to give it justice in this story.
> 
> thanks for reading, and let me know if you liked it!


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